Jessica Harper Uncanceled

“Who is your hero or heroine?” said Matt, the interviewer. I was here for a job I had already decided I didn’t want. They had annoyed me in the main interview and now I was sticking around purely for fun.

“Honestly?” I said. “I would have to say Captain America. Because he does good work but without the brand recognition of his peers, e.g. The Hulk.”

Matt squinted slightly, like he was confused. “Sorry, I think the question means who is your hero in real life?”

I then squinted, like I couldn’t quite compute that Captain America wasn’t real.

“Oh,” I said. “In that case it would have to be Sheriff Amos Tupper.”

“Oh, and who is he?”

“He’s the cop friend of Jessica Fletcher in Murder She Wrote. She got all the attention and he never seemed bitter about it. Oh, wait, is he not real either?”

“No…”

“Ah, my bad. Third time lucky, then. My real life hero is Liz Marek.”

I could hear Matt doing that very quiet sighing thing. People think they are hiding it well but I have a lifetime’s exprience of it being done right in front of me and am finely attuned to it.

“And Liz Marek is…?”

“Are you familiar with Is It Cake, Matt?” I said. “Some describe it as a new low for humanity but I say it’s a new high for reality TV. Of course, it could be both things simultaneously.”

“I am aware of the show.”

“Liz Marek was unexpectedly eliminated from episode three, season two, after the judges guessed that her pile of college sweaters was in fact cake. She was being touted as a favorite to win the entire series, Matt. But she has moved on with her life. That is why she is my heroine.”

“Allrighty,” he said, sounding like he wished he could move on with his life. Are job interviewers meant to say “allrighty?” I bet no one says “allrighty” to people interviewing for the finance director of Citigroup.

In case you’re wondering why I am (as usual) acting like a doofus, the reason is simple: I came for an interview as group editor of some magazines, they annoyed me with their modern woke BS questions and now, having decided I didn’t want the job, I was going to be annoying, for my own entertainment. 

Backstory: I am not a fan of modern workplaces, as you’ll know if you’ve read my “epoch-defining novel” Jessica Harper Is Not Woke (that quote was from my mom btw and she’s never wrong) (although it’s doubtful if she knows what epoch means) (in truth, I gave her the quote and asked her to put it on her review).

“Next question,” said Matt (poor Matt!). “Do you have a favorite quote to live your life by and if so what is it?”

“That’s easy, Matt,” I said. “It’s ‘don’t be scared of dying. Be more frightened that you haven’t finished living.’”

“Okay, interesting,” he said, brightening a little. “And who said that?”

“Dick Van Dyke.”

He just noted this down and did his little sigh.

“Thank you, Jessica. Next question: what word would people close to you use to describe you?”

“Fragrant.”

“Fragrant?”

“Uh huh. I think I smell nice. Never had a problem in that department.”

He wasn’t arguing now, he was just jotting down my answers. Wait, had he even written that last one down?? He’d drawn a picture of a man shooting his brains out and thought I couldn’t see it!

“What is a question people ask you often?” he said, adding: “Boy, I’m looking forward to this one.”

“Are you allowed to say that, Matt?”

“Not really. But I am looking forward to it.”

“Hmm, a question people often ask me is: ‘Do you expect me to eat that?’ My son asks me that about twice a week; I’m not a great cook. Also: ‘Did you know you’ve left your car lights on?’ and ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough wine, honey?’ Any of those. Take your pick, Matt.”

Now Matt was chuckling. I loved Matt. 

“What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?” he said.

“Finishing season one of The Wire, even though I had no idea what was happening.”

Fake scribble scribble.

“How do you deal with failure?”

“By not attempting anything very difficult.”

“What are you most proud of?”

“The sun. It’s just so reliable.”

“Do you prefer to read a book or watch a movie?”

“I like to do both at the same time, Matt. At the moment I’m reading Bertrand Russell’s A History of Western Philosophy while watching Pimp My Crib.”

“What is your least favorite place in the world?”

“The Bronx.”

“Can I ask why?”

“No, it’s too soon.”

“What is your most vivid memory from when you were a child?”

“My dad being eaten by a lion at the Bronx Zoo.”

“Are these truthful answers, Jessica?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to ask me that, Matt.”

He sighed. “You’re right… Okay, what do you think is the most significant issue society is currently facing?”

“Flash mobs.”

“Flash mobs?”

“Yep. I know they were a kind of 2005 thing but I can see them coming back. I nearly joined a flash mob protest when Liz Marek got eliminated from Is It Cake? But frankly, what was there to protest about: the judges had correctly identified her cake as fake.”

“If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?”

I looked at the clock. I waited. I pretended to be thinking. And when I could stand it no longer and I could see Matt’s shirt darkening with anxiety sweat, I said: “Absolutely nothing, Matt.”

“Uh huh. Last question: what was the happiest time in your life?”

“The happiest time in my life is right here in this room with you. Are you single?”

“And that concludes this test, Mrs Harper.”

Still waiting to hear back about the job. It’s been two months. No news is good news, right?