Jessica Harper Uncanceled

I wasn’t successful at stand-up: I did about 70 gigs and then gave up. They say 100 gigs is the minimum for you to even know how the mic stand works. It’s a long journey, even if you’re good. 

To be a success (ie turn pro one day) you have to put in a ton of time on the open mic circuit, do a lot of schlepping around late at night, need a good dose of self-awareness, be capable of learning and have a distinctive act. 

I didn’t succeed but I learned a lot of things that might make your open mic journey less painful.

Tips for people beginning open mic comedy

1) Don’t think you can wing it; have an act planned and highly rehearsed. Very few people can get up there and improvise. These are not your beer buddies in the audience, they won’t be laughing from the get-go just because it’s you. Even if you’re a brilliant improviser, the promoters of pro nights won’t book more than one improviser per show. Audiences like something about the narrative and comfort of a scripted act.

2) I’ve seen people do poetry. It was awkward. Don’t do poetry. If it’s meant to be a comedy night, do comedy.

3) A certain percentage of hopeful comedians insist on being musical acts. I did a few appearances at The Comedy Store in London’s infamous gong show, where the rabid audience boo off musical acts as soon as they walk to the mic. The wisdom is this: if it’s funny enough to say, just say it: singing is just a slower way of telling a joke.

4) If you stick at it, you’ll meet some great people. And they will book you for gigs they are hosting or appearing in.

5) If you live in a big city with a strong open mic comedy circuit, you will probably know people who become famous. Don’t find yourself wondering six years down the road what the hell happened to your own shot. Do the work now and keep an eye on your progress and the passing of time.

6) Think about what you wear and how it reflects your persona. Don’t just rock up in sloppy jeans and a T-shirt, unless there’s a good reason for it. Look the part. Have some style.

7) Nearly everyone on the circuit is left wing. If your act is pro Trump expect a hard time. 

8) Drinking helps to a point. That point is probably two pints of beer or a glass of wine.

9) There is massive variance. You’ll do a poor set one night and get great laughs, and another night when they don’t even laugh at your cast-iron bankers. Of course, if you bomb always ask yourself if there was anything you could have done better but a lot of the time it’s just the make-up of the crowd, the mood, the time of night, whatever. Don’t expect logic or universal justice.

10) Record your act, even if just audio from a phone left on your chair when you go on stage. And if the organisers offer to film it for you, pay for it. You can splice them together into a short trailer to go on your website or YouTube. Then you have something to ping to a promoter, who often ask for video. You will need video at some point.

11) It’s physically hard. People travel three hours for a five-minute spot.

12) Despite not being the most fashionable type of comedy any more, good one-liner comedians can still do well. Don’t just head for the nearest pun though. Check out the best, such as Steven Wright, Gary Delaney and the late Mitch Hedberg (Delaney’s my favorite but very off-color; you have been warned!).

13) Monday evening gigs are generally soul-crushing affairs. It’s usually 15 jaded comedians waiting to go on. It’s usually raining, too, for some reason. But you can’t do anything about that.

14) Have some savers ready, ie good one liners you can deliver if you start bombing or forget your act. You will possibly deliver these as often as your best jokes. Also have stock lines if you get heckled. Heckling is rare in open mic comedy and if it happens it’s usually from someone who is trying to be helpful. But I’ve seen so many comedians reply to a hostile heckle with the desperate “I can’t believe you came up with that of the top off your head” line, which is so lame. Have some killer replies in your pocket. You will look like a genius when you use them. Trust me. You will get a huge round of applause because no one expects an open mic comedian to be so on the ball.

15) Use memory hooks. Even though I knew my act off by heart, I still forgot it once I was under the spotlight. Memory hooks saved me most nights. So my rhyming version of it went like this:

1 RUN = Running with something in my hand. So if my first joke is about baseball I’d picture me running with a baseball in my hand.

2 SHOE = Something wedged awkwardly in a shoe. So if my second joke was about cupcakes I’d picture my foot squishing into a shoe containing a cupcake.

3 TREE = Something hanging from a tree. So if my second joke was about the White House, I’d picture the White House dangling from a branch.

4 DOOR = Something coming in through a door and the door being closed on them. So if the joke is about Tom Cruise I’d picture Tom in his Top Gun gear, screaming as he gets wedged in the doorframe.

5 HIVE = Bees swarming all over the subject of the joke. So if the joke is about inflation, I’d picture huge dollar bills being chased by a swarm of bees.
etc

If you’ve never used this method to remember a list before, try it now. It’s magic.

16) Write all the time. This is the bit that is probably most neglected by open mic comedians. Don’t worry that it’s mostly embarrassing crap. Like most work, it’s a process.

17) Two things make a joke. It took me several years to realise this. You can’t make a joke out of one thing. You can try to make up a joke about “skylights” for hours but it’s not until you add a second element that you’ll find a joke.

“I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious.”

Steven Wright

Skylights + neighbors

18) Consider putting on your own nights. Open mic comics do this because it gives them a ton of stage time.

19) If you get good, people might ask you to be a compere for their night, and MCs get paid much more than acts. Understandably so, as they have to work much harder.

20) Some people just don’t like doing crowdwork. I didn’t. I was terrified of the crowd. I wished they weren’t there. It limits you because you can’t be an MC so either get good at crowdwork or make peace with your decision to avoid it.

21) Books and courses. I have heard good things about some courses but they were many years ago so I can’t really comment. My favorite books about the stand-up life are by Todd Barry, Doug Stanhope, or, the best of them, Frank Skinner’s On The Road.

22) Go in for competitions. They’re very subjective, obviously, but it’s all practise and you might get lucky. Even a runner-up prize looks good on your website and other socials.

23) Networking is more important than anything and that just means showing up and being supportive. There’s a culture in the USA of rushing off to do a second show, which they didn’t have when I did it in London. I always find leaving a bit rude, like you’re Sinatra off to do the second show of the night at the Copa, but I also understand people have to make the most of their time.

24) Some gigs are “bringers”, meaning you have to bring someone else along as a condition of performance. They make for a better night, bigger laughs and the bar gets to sell more drinks. Bringer gigs are a pain because you have to find some poor schlubb to drag along but performing to 30 people is a world apart from performing to 15 jaded comedians who are just waiting their turn to go on. There are groups on Facebook to help you find “bringers”: you attend someone else’s gig and then they return the favor on another night.

25) Get really good, then you can start “headlining” open mic gigs and usually won’t have to bring someone along to the bringer nights. #incentive

26) You will hear many of the same topics over and over again. The LGBT crowd and anyone with a mental health condition from bipolar to Munchausen’s can barely wait for the applause to die down before they tell you all about it. But not having some modern agenda is okay, too. In fact, it’s great, because pro bookers won’t book five angry lesbians to harangue the male customers of TGI Fridays in Tuscaloosa on a Saturday night. The open mic comedy scene may be wokey left but the professional comedy scene is Main Street USA.

27) Be a courteous guest. Thank the MC. They’ll probably be busy but if they’re not, strike up conversation. And with the other acts.

28) There’s a ton of waiting around. You usually have to check in an hour before the show even starts. Be prepared for it. I couldn’t handle it and would get drunk just to kill the boredom.

29) If you love comedy and find stand-up is too much hassle, consider making your own YouTube channel instead. Unlike stand-up, it can be done on your own schedule, with no traipsing around at night and hours spent watching terrible open mic comedy. Of course, maybe you love stand-up in particular, in which case go for it. Or do both.

30) It takes a long time, unless you are fabulously talented. Expect a long haul, be patient and learn. As I once heard a competition organiser say: “If you’re not improving over time, give up.”