Jessica Harper Uncanceled

I was minding my business in the Cold Meats section as usual (I seem to spend a lot of time in Cold Meats on hot days, it’s like double AC) when some rando bumped into my shopping cart with hers, head on, a total fender bender. At least with an automobile fender bender you can only lose the car or your life; but in this case, wine was involved.

“Oh my,” she said, like she was in a high school production of A Streetcar Named Desire. “It’s the aisles in here, they’re so narrow.”

The aisles looked wide enough to me. I mean, you might struggle to hold the Indy 500 across their span but you could make a good go of the Kentucky Derby.

But I said nada, because I am learning to keep my mouth shut these days. Browsing charcuterie is valuable me time and I didn’t want it sullied with bad vibes.

“Mmm, narrow, aren’t they?” I said.

The “crash” didn’t seem to necessitate us exchanging details so my attention was now firmly back on a cheeky packet of Prosciutto. I was just thinking what I could pair that with, ideally my mouth.

“Do you prefer Italian or French charcuterie?” asked the woman, who hadn’t shifted.

“Italian,” I said. “My grandfather had a bad experience in France.”

“Oh dear. What happened?”

“World War Two. He hated sequels. Apart from Police Academy 2, which he found transcendental.”

“Oh. What did it transcend?”

“The first one.” I can’t help it, I love playing with people’s heads. This one was easy, helped by her clearly not having any sense of humour whatsoever.

I looked at her. Fortyish. Attractive and very smartly dressed.

“So what are you, a kind of roaming therapist hired by the supermarket?” I said.

“I’m an entrepreneur,” she said, staring me in the eye and not blinking.

“Am I being prospected for a multi-level marketing thing?” I said. “To give you the heads up, we have a very small garage.” I was already a bit annoyed as I’d driven in especially to this supermarket in Savannah to get some special food but noooooo, I had to get embroiled in some bizarre encounter.

“What do you know about MLMs?” she said.

“I know those guys always answer a question with a question, right?”

“Do you mind if I ask your name?”

“Doris.”

“Er, Doris, hi. I’m Janice. Can I ask you a question: are you totally happy with your job?”

“Yes.”

“Can I ask what your job is?”

“I’m the voice of Alexa.”

“Oh, you don’t sound like my Alexa.”

“I’m not allowed to do the voice in my personal life.”

“Do you know,” she ploughed on, “that the most successful executives in our business are the ones who already love their jobs?”

Aaarghhhh. You can’t win with these guys. You could tell them you only have three weeks to live and they’ll say: “Some of of our most successful executives have only got three weeks to live.”

“Okay,” I said. I’m not the voice of Alexa.”

“So what do you really do?”

“I’m an embalmer.” I can’t help it.

“You prepare the deceased?”

“Yes. Well, mostly they’re deceased. Some like to get it done a little in advance, while they’re still looking at their best. It’s all the same to us. Kerching.”

“Oh,” she said, slightly pulling her cart back for the first time.

“But tell me about this business of yours,” I said. “Sorry if I smell, by the way, it’s the embalming fluid. I wouldn’t buy any of this charcuterie, I’ve been pawing it since eight o’clock.”

“Erm, well, our business, yes,” she said, completely extricating her trolley from mine and putting bright blue sky between us.

“Just cut to the chase,” I said. “How can I get involved? I’ve heard so many great things about MLMs.”

“Well, do you know thirty to fifty people?”

“Live ones? Hmmm, maybe. Cousin Huey’s getting out in a few weeks and if he can’t earn a straight living he’ll go straight to the balaclava shop and the gun shop and you can guess the rest.”

“Oh, well, would you say he’s reliable?”

“I should say. Knocks off a 7-Eleven every Friday at 4pm without fail, to get his coke money for the weekend.”

That’s when she made her excuses and left. That’s how you deal with MLM people. The pushy ones anyway. I’m thinking of setting up my own MLM. Sells charcuterie and embalming fluid. Avoid me.

Laters x